The Sky Is Falling

2010-01-02T17:46:00.000-08:00

uncomplicated
the tiny things
unnoticed in every day
the ordinary extraordinary
the quiet
the warmth
christmas day
no stress
no rushing
no family
no friends
no complications
should be happy
alone

Long Time....

2009-12-27T20:49:00.000-08:00

Wow I can't believe I remembered how to even log on to this thing. Good job me. Nothing has changed. New city. New job. But that's not new. I tend to change those things up every year or so. Older. Wiser? No. Stupider in fact. Still stuck in the same ruts I was two years ago when I posted last. Not sure why I'm here again. Treading water I suppose....wasting time....

Mr. Pinto Bean

2007-04-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

alright so it's 1 am. pretty good for me. i am officially up way past my pathetic bed time. staff party tonight. thought maybe i would try to actually have fun. not that i have a problem having fun....but i do have a problem with the bar scene. everyone says how much they hate the bar and yet i had to stand in line to get in. i really don't know why i bother. drunken pre teens thinking they are sexy rubbing up against each other in an intimate invitation that never in a million years would they extend under any other circumstance. girls wearing clothes that don't fit dancing with boys who have liquid confidence. confirming my belief that there really are no decent people left in this world. i mean, sure i may make out with the odd road side attraction:

but that's perfectly normal in my world......

Spring?

2007-03-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

Fresh Ink

2007-03-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

It Was Almost A Very Good Bye

2007-03-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

Michael Eric Flett

March 23, 1968 - March 3, 2007

"...come to me in my dreams, and then by day I shall be well again! For then the night will more than pay the hopelees longing of the day."
- Matthew Arnold

Meow

2007-03-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

Hidden Valley

2007-02-25T11:04:00.000-08:00

2007-02-04T16:39:00.000-08:00

Winters' Chill

2007-01-14T14:40:00.000-08:00

A Few Thoughts From Oscar Wilde

2007-01-07T14:36:00.000-08:00

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

The basis for optimism is sheer terror.

The play was a great success but the audience was a disaster.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Thought of the Day

2007-01-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Happy Halloween

2006-10-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

2006-10-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to say goodbye on the phone?
"Alright....so....I should let you go"
"Okay. Yeah"
"Alright"
"Okay"
"So....I'll talk to you later"
"Yeah. Okay."
"Alright"
"Kay"
"Okay"
"Yep Alright"
and then the awkward quick"bye"
I don't get it.

Thought of the Day

2006-10-01T14:40:00.000-07:00

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.
Reason # 156,837,673,987,736 why i love this place.

Fall-ing To Pieces

2006-10-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

fall is my new favorite season. i have no idea why that is. i used to hate it. it is a grim reminder that winter is coming. things start to die - including my aunt, grandfather, and kitten who all passed away this time last year. i feel like i am somehow betraying myself by enjoying this fall. for some reason the crisp air in the morning puts a small smile in my life instead of the usual feeling of doom. i didn't mind scraping the frost off my car for the first time. i'm looking forward to the great pumpkin masacre that is halloween. and so it may be going against everything i think i should be feeling, but i suppose that i will take the bizarre feeling of serenity however i can get it...

on a side note, thanks chicago dave. i'm honored. really. thanks.

2006-08-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Reading through Chicago Dave's site and those he's linked to reminded me of the first poem that really struck a note with me. 20 years or so later i can still recite it verse for verse. thought i would share it with you now.....

The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever,
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle-
Why not I with thine?

See! The mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea-
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

Percy Bysshe Shelley

yeah okay so i'm a sappy closet romantic. no one needs to know, okay?

Kamping at Kinbrook Island

2006-08-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

The Runner Up

2006-08-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

Favorite Memory #2
This moment in time happened just a week ago. Cypress Hills. Ressor Lake Lookout. Dozens of people driving by who were barely getting out of their running cars to look at anything. Snapping a quick picture and then speeding off to continue on with life's chores. at first they annoyed me, but very quickly i pitied them, because if they would have looked over their shoulder for just one quick second they would have witnessed the most amazing sunset ever. it took my breath away. the way the sun was streaming through the clouds, turning the world as i knew it to a dark pink. making the valleys seem deeper, the hills higher. i almost couldn't believe that i was lucky enough to be witnessing such an event. i'm pretty sure i have permanent retina damage from staring for so long.....but it was worth every second.

Fav Memory #1

2006-08-04T19:55:00.000-07:00

Favorite Memory

it's thirty degrees below zero. celcius. i don't particularly want to leave my house, but the wonderful housing personell where i was employed at the time decide to stick me with a completely psychotic roommate making it unbearable to stay at home. i decide that it's a good time to hike out to lake louise...and beyond. i make it to the lake. i make it around the lake. i'm powered by the extreme frustration of the roommate situation. before i know it i've walked way beyond what is safe, and stop to finally look around. what i see is amazing. but it's what i hear that makes this my favorite memory. i hear absolutely nothing. nothing at all. no birds. no bugs. no animals. no traffic. no hum of power lines. my heart beat was so loud i thought it might trigger an avalanche. and the thought that if there were an avalanche no one would know to even look for me puts my feet into motion to get my tail outta there. one week later a man is killed in an avalanche in that exact area...

wine + introspection = blab

2006-08-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

There was a fair in town the other day. Rodeo actually. Despite the fact that I am very much opposed to the entire idea of a rodeo i couldn't stay away from the smell of greasy treats, bright lights, and blaring crappy music. i wandered, i ate nasty pizza, i got an airbrush tattoo, and i went to a psychic. she nailed everything on the head. i hope. maybe. she told me that i had an unsettled childhood. check. that i turned to the companionship of animals at an early age. check. that i drive a truck. not quite - but i've looked into it - and i drive the beer cart on a golf course as my current "profession" (hey, don't knock it. it's fun) she said that i would marry a cowboy. umm. okay. as long as he has nothing to do with the killing or torturing of animals i'm cool with that. she said that i've had two near death experiences. i've been told this before. one i know of - i wasn't in a car when i was supposed to be in a car. the other hadn't yet happened the last time i went to a psychic. i wonder what it was....?? creepy. she said i should be going back to school this year. while i don't have the money to attend school full time i have looked into taking a second language, as well as possibly taking up some guitar lessons. does that count? and last but not least she mentioned how i've lived in a lot of different places. check. but apparently i'm not done yet. she tells me that i will live in another country. and this is the point that sticks. i've been thinking about it. i have no idea where i would go, or why, or for how long. i have no idea where to begin to make a decision like that. don't know what government to contact and for what. it's a thought that's actually been eating at me for about a year now. i haven't gone yet simply because of the shitten. mr. tobi will not tolerate such a relocation. i would never put him through that. but when he's gone? and i am very afraid that it will happen sooner rather than later. when you can go anywhere and be anything, how do you begin to decide where and who?

Thought of the Day

2006-07-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

Here stands a fortress built with great walls of silence
Ready to crumble at the slightest word
Finding the right one is becoming a silence
I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard

Oh I wish you could wrap yourself around me
I am gripped by a lonliness
Oh I wish you could wrap yourself around me
I'd be released in your tenderness

If I was fearless
Could I be your reckless friend
And if I was helpless
Could you be the one come rushing in...

- Cyndi Lauper

Great songs on her new album.....
and maybe just one more timeless Cyndi quote before I go....

Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I want to be the one to walk in the sun
Girls just want to have fun.....

Thought of the Day

2006-07-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break." An Ancient Chinese Proverb An ancient Chinese belief

Thought of the Day

2006-07-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

Us and them, and in the end, we're only ordinary men
Pink Floyd

Thought of the Day

2006-06-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Mark Twain

Thought of the Day

2006-06-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

People compose for many reasons: to become immortal; because the pianoforte happens to be open; because they want to become a millionaire; because of the praise of friends; because they have looked into a pair of beautiful eyes; for no reason whatsoever.
- Robert Schumann

Help Please

2006-06-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

Alright. I know I've been away forever now. It's sad how people get too wrapped up in trying to support a life with the hope that at some point there might be some quality to it... I need some cyber help. Really. My best friend who is five months pregnant has just been told that her baby has downs syndrome....bad enough that the chance of survival beyond two years of age is slim...and she has decided to terminate the pregnancy. She tells me with hardly even a hitch in her voice that she will have to endure an actual labour. She will have to give birth to the baby that will be alive when he - she knows it's a he - is born. He will absloutely die within moments of coming into the world. She most likely won't hear him cry...but she might. She tells me this story very matter of fact...and while I know how strong she is....and how much I know she wants me to believe that she will be okay....her voice is raw like she had been crying for days on end. I have no idea at all what to do for her. Anyone have any idea as to what an outsider is supposed to do for someone going through something like this? She has overwhelming amounts of support - I know that she will be surrounded by incredibly supportive family and friends - do I go to her anyways? Do I hang back and help pick up the pieces when everyone else goes home? Would that make it worse? I would like to get her a card....is there a "gee don't know what else to say but that must really suck" card? Is there an appropriate gift? I hate sending flowers....they die. I think it's so bizarre that society sends flowers for every occasion when they are the starkest reminder of our own mortality. What can I do for her so that she knows how much my heart is breaking for her? Anyone? Is there anyone out there?

Thought of the Day

2006-06-13T20:56:00.000-07:00

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

It Got A Little Drunk Out Last Weekend....

2006-06-09T07:11:00.000-07:00

Congrats Seester!

2006-05-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

She did it! Graduation Day at last! We're all so proud of her!!!

I'll Bet You Didn't Know...

2006-04-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier errors worldwide.

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (a variety of the marijuana plant) paper.

On average, every chocolate bar contains at least three insect legs.

"Hang on Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.

"The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.

10% of human dry weight comes from bacteria

25% of a human's bones are in its feet.

It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

A bean has more DNA per cell than a human cell

A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

Thought of the Day

2006-04-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.
I walk in the air between the rain, Through myself and back again. Where? I don't know.
Maria says she's dying. Through the door I hear her crying. Why? I don't know.
Round here we always stand up straight. Round here something radiates.
~ Counting Crows

2006-04-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Earth Day Fellow Bloggers!

Thought of the Day

2006-04-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

"There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer

Thought of the Day

2006-04-21T12:54:00.001-07:00

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

- Leonard Cohen

Thought of the Day

2006-04-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

There are no unlockable doors
There are no unwinable wars
There are no unrightable wrongs
Or unsignable songs

There are no unbeatable odds
There are no believable gods
There are no unnameable names
Shall I say it again, yeah

- Ozzy

Tonquin Beach, Tofino, BC

2006-04-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

The Orange Man

2006-04-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

Every morning I walk through Beacon Hill Park on the way to work. It is nature in it's glory. Fountains, ducks, herons, flowers, and green grass everywhere you look. This is the place that I will miss the most. More often than not I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but it is absolutely impossible to remain in a bad mood when you are walking through that place. Oh believe me I have tried to take my bad mood to work with me. But the smell of the flowers is intoxicating. The soft duck talk eases my nerves. Just when I find myself calm a heron screams from the tree tops and scares the shit out of me. I laugh at myself. Early in the morning it is so peaceful. By the afternoon of course it is a swamp of people taking pictures and laughing and screaming and kids and dogs and music and chaos....but even then it has a certain beauty. It becomes nothing more than the backdrop for a tourists day of touring. Every evening walking back through that park I pass by a homeless man. He wears an orange winter coat - whether it's thirty above or thirty below he's got that orange jacket. He sits peacefully on his bench. Same time same place absolutely every day without fail. He sits with his feet tucked neatly under the green bench and his hands folded in his lap. Almost as if he's embarassed to be there and feels that if he can make himself small enough maybe people won't notice him. People avoid him at all costs. He is dirty. He has only a black umbrella and a garbage bag full of ? Every day that I pass him by I wonder about his story. I romantacize that some twist of fate left him with nothing but that dirty orange jacket. I have wanted to approach him and ask if he would share his story with me, but am afraid that he's just a junkie like so many other souls on the streets on this city. I want to believe that he's better than that for some reason. As much as my spirits are lifted every day going into the park, somehow my heart breaks a little every night going home. I have no idea why he affects me so deeply. I want to give him a hug and tell him that it's going to be okay. But I know that for him and whatever his reasons are it will never be okay. Just past where he sits there is a bush with almost unnatural yellow flowers. It seems so out of place in the usual gray and dreary weather here. It's such a sharp contrast from the dirty orange jacket. It always reminds me that life goes on. Just as it always has and I suppose always will...

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

2006-04-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

Time to say goodbye to yet another phase of my life. My experience on this here Island has been a true roller coaster. In the short time that I was here I experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows that there is to be had. It seems like I have constant growing pains...

I have seen some of this planets most breath taking scenery. From the calm glassy water to the turbulent nature of the waves. All with the misty mountains in the far off distance. There are no words to describe the emotions felt at times just looking out over that water.

But the water is ugly too. It's dirty. Polluted. Fish are dying. As much a place of wonder, it is a place of sadness and destruction.

I lost my aunt, my grandfather, and my kitten. I cast flowers representing each of them out on that water. The space that I had claimed as my happy space when I first arrived became oppressive. I can't even go there any more...

I hated my apartment. I grew to absolutely adore my apartment. I am concerned that the apartment I will be moving into is a little piece of hell.

I have never had one single weekend where there was nothing to do. I never had the money to do it all....but at least I knew it was out there.

I didn't shovel snow once. Not one single time. Nary a flake to be seen. I thought that I missed it a little....but I think I'm just romantacizing my memories of crisp white (freezing cold pain in the ass) winter mornings.

I learned that you can admire and despise someone all in the very same moment in time.

I developed both a higher understanding and considerably less patience for the human race. It's been my experience that those people who are kind can cause you much more damage than those that are outright nasty.

There are many things that I will miss about this city. The gardens, the festivals, the generally speaking good natured people. I won't miss the "professionals" or the gray skies or the polluted and stinking Inner Harbour.

I am looking forward into what is to be. I am more nervous about this move than I have ever been, but I am excited too. I am going back to somewhat familiar territory. Though I'm not exactly going home, it has that sort of feeling. I feel like I am leaving a big part of me here. But maybe i will find more to put in along the way....

Thought of the Day

2006-04-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold
I had to run away high, so I wouldn't come home low
Just when things went right, doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel left all alone
- Motley Crue

The concert rocked the city last night....

Thought of the Day

2006-04-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.
~ Vincent van Gogh

Thought of the Day

2006-03-29T10:40:00.000-08:00

When I left and I said goodbye
Did you know that I meant it that time?
And damn it if I didn't try to do
Everything that I was supposed to
And now - what do I do now?
I don't know
I'm leaving
And now, who's gonna save me next time?
Won't be you
For the first time
But somehow I'll be alright
Somehow I'll be alright...
~ Lisa Marie Presley

You Are My Sunshine

2006-03-28T10:46:00.000-08:00

alright for the two whole people i know of that read this thing i thought i would do an update as to why i haven't been around. firstly, spring = spring fever. i'm sorry blog world, but i've just had better things to do lately. secondly, company. it feels like i just got rid of my christmas company and i had more. not that i mind it really. it just sort of wipes me out for a while after they leave. and finally, moving. i hate moving. really hate it. despise it. and i've never moved long distance before. it's complicated and frustrating. no one is returning my calls. and for that little bit of extra fun and games i'm going out there totally blind. no job. no apartment. i'm just assuming that by the end of next month things will majically fall into place. ha. my biggest stress was transporting the cats comfortably without drugging them. i think i have it figured.....only downside is zero visability out of my rear mirror in my car. oh well. who needs to see what's going on behind them. no looking back, right? i am once again alberta bound....and very happy to be going....goodbye "tropical laid back west coast life" aka gray dreary pretentious life....hello sunshine....

2006-02-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

When you're behind closed doors, all alone, by yourself,And you're longing inside to be somebody else
- From The Raccoons Television SeriesWords and Music by Kevin Gillis, Jon Stroll, Stephen Lunt, Performed by Lisa Lougheed

Thought of the Day

2006-02-25T18:08:00.000-08:00

The Rock Bottom Remainders have no record contract, no music videosand no Grammy nominations, but have over 78,000 hits on Google
- as found on the home page for the rock bottom remainders

2006-02-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

Thirteen Things That Annoy the Hell Out Of Me

1. when the stapler runs out of staples. don't ask me why. it's totally irrational i know. but when it happens it makes me want to throw it across the room.

2. people who don't feel the need to get fully into the turning lane - or people who don't bother at all unless it is clearly marked by little white lines on the road. get out of my way people!

3. people who feel it is necessary to walk around me to stand in front of me while waiting to walk across a street and then proceed to walk at a turtles pace. rrrrr.

4. people who tell me i'm broke because i spend irresponsibly. because i don't. besides bills, i don't spend. i don't shop. i don't eat out. i don't even remember the last time i treated myself to a movie. i'm not an over spender. i'm BROKE!!!

5. when my automatic coffee pot decides to turn itself off after only half an hour (it's supposed to be two hours) resulting in freezing cold coffee.

6.when there are no envelopes at the atm and i have bills to pay and i know that if i don't pay them i will most likely just spend the money on silly things like food

7. when my cat sleeps with his butt in my face and i don't realize it until it's too late. happens all too often i'm afraid

8. people who call to follow up an email they've sent totally negating the entire purpose of email. i hate talking on the phone. that's why i send email. yes, i did get your email. if you would have given me just half a second longer i would have replied to your email. rrrrr.

9. the fact that my fingers are just too damned fat to play guitar but i won't just let it be - or pick something else. i will find a way. oh yes. i will find a way.

10. the fact that i start to get stumped on what to put on lists like these after around point number 8 or so

11. my tv in the bedroom doesn't have a sleep timer. what the hell good is a bedroom tv with no sleep timer. but then it was free....

12. mixers. as in uptight social events. as in the one i am obligated to attend this evening. i've been practicing the polite smile in the mirror all morning

13. telemarketers. i don't blame people for not donating to charities. i donated to two last year. i have approximately 20 unknown number appear on my phone every day.

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Thought of the Day

2006-02-23T08:20:00.000-08:00

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Thought of the Day

2006-02-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

"I'm only human."
- Garfield

Are You Ready For This

2006-02-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

Alright, so i've had a few people email and otherwise enquire about my fucked up family. grab a glass of wine. hell, grab the bottle..here we go.

my mom was 15 when she found out she was pregnant with me. my dad and his family conveniently moved out of town when they found out about the little situation. now, of course my moms story and my dads familys story differ in regards to what actually happened here and i've resigned myself to the fact that i may never know. so, mom being too young (really just too busy partying) to take care of me i ended up living with my aunt. (yes, it's the same aunt in the death talk feature earlier this month)

my aunt had been married, had one daughter, divorced, and moved back in with her parents. and so i was raised with my aunt as my mom, my cousin as my older (much older) sister, and my grandparents being called mom and dad.

my mom went on to have another long term though extremely abusive relationship resulting in my younger brother and sister. years and years and years later she came to her senses and left the abusive drunken asshole and moved back to her home town. while i always knew that she was my real mom, and she would send gifts and visit when she could, it wasn't until a few years after she moved back to the home town that i really had anything to say to her. now i don't know if i would say that we are fast friends, but we talk, usually weekly, and i go out to visit once or twice a year.

so...lets see....where were we....

dad. right. so he buggered off and i never heard from him. never even really questioned why he wasn't around. years later - i was probably around 10 years old - my mom decided to try to contact him. one extremely awkward phone call later we found out that he had passed away from a brain tumor...or anurism...or something like that.

in the interim, dad had managed to hook up to a woman who had two children (older) from a previous marriage. so i suppose these would be considered my step brother and sister...sort of...i guess. and despite doctors orders to not have a child due to the treatments he was undergoing at the time, he went right ahead and had a daughter - my sister (younger)

so. dad croaks...hey it was inevitable i suppose....and "step mom" goes on to marry dads uncle (i think is how it goes) and they had another girl...solving the mystery of how i have a half sister who is also my third cousin.

*whew* still with me?

after my mom had originally contacted my dads parents there was supposedly a meeting arranged for me and these grandparents. the aunt for some reason was always extremely freaked out about any involvement with them and put a stop to it. people tell me that it was because she was afraid of losing me to a biological family. i don't buy that. though i was too young to really remember i think it was probably that she didn't want more people to realize just what a waste case she was rapidly becoming at this point.

and so no one really followed up with it.

i always thought it strange that these grandparents never bothered to contact me. it would have been easy enough. my home town remains the home of most of my family. the name certainly would be easy enough to track down.

they, on the other hand, liked to move. about five years ago i began my search for them. after much hope and frustration i found them last year. at first everything seemed to be going very nicely. they sent letters and pictures. i was actually a little overwhelmed because there were aunts and uncles and cousins that were curious and coming at me from every direction. it was nice to be talking with them - i wasn't quite sure how people would react - i didn't think that anyone knew about me.

my biological sister (my dads daughter) has been wonderful. though we haven't met face to face yet, there is a definite bond there. if all else fails i will be happy to know my sister.

the rest of the family can't really be bothered with me. i guess once the thrill wore off they got bored. i have a cousin in toronto that emails me once and a while. and an aunt in toronto and an aunt in edmonton that i hear from now and then. but the grandparents? nuthin. i try not to be dissappointed....after all when i was originally searching for them i kept telling myself that it would be alright with me if they wanted nothing to do with me. but somewhere in there i developed these day dreams about this perfect family. maybe because my family is so dysfunctional. i suppose i was hoping that there was still a chance that i could belong to a regular family. well, not only do they not particularly want anything to do with me, but it would seem that they are extremely dysfunctional as well. not sure why that surprises me. i'm not sure i know of one single "normal" family. normal. ha.

so now all these years later i am learning about my dad from these virtual strangers. they tell me that he was a wonderful man and a phenomial father. now, i don't know why, but that pisses me off. i think i would be happier somehow if i heard about what an asshole he was. how is that for messed up? i can't really explain it. every good story i hear about him i say "oh how great he sounds" and i'm thinking "why didn't i fit into all of that?" yep. a five year old reaction from a 28 year old. but i can't seem to help myself. pathetic.

anyways. that's it. hopefully your family seems a little more "normal" in comparison. has that wine had a chance to breathe yet?

Just Say No To Blog

2006-02-18T13:55:00.000-08:00

no blogging today. while at the drugstore filling the prescription from mr. devil dentist i found a dvd collection consisting of 15 classic horror movies. now my only dilemma is which vincent price movie to devour....too many choices....

Thought of the Day

2006-02-17T11:57:00.000-08:00

"I cannot help but notice there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by yout departure"
- Mark Twain

What Kind Of Soul Are You?

2006-02-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

You Are a Traveler Soul

You're a thrill seeker who loves to be active and on the move
You love to wander: between places, ideas, and people.
A good communicator, you're a nonconformist and interested in the world.
You are an explorer, a good storyteller, and a true dreamer.

Because you're always on the move, you can be a bit fickle.
It's difficult for you to make personal commitments.
Don't be so quick to ignore emotional issues and problems.
You're much more intuitive and psychic than you think.

Souls you are most compatible with: Retrospective Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

&$@$&%& Part 2

2006-02-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

Well, i am officially wisdomless. not that i had much wisdom to begin with. the procedure was more of the same. more slobber. more blood. this time part of the wisdom tooth had grown underneath the last molar, and so there was much more digging and drilling involved. and as such, it's not only the gaping hole in my mouth that is a little sensitive, but all of my teeth on that side. oh - and the other side had developed a bit of an infection which mr. mean dentist poked and prodded at before he started in on the other side. so it hurts. everywhere. BUT he gave me the good drugs this time so it's all good. the sadistic son of a bitch gave me a prescription. yikes. so, swollen and drooling i had to take myself to the drug store to have it filled. i'm sure i was a beautiful sight to behold. i didn't realize just how lazy i am - despite the reasons that i'm at home sitting on my couch i am almost ecstatically happy to be at home sitting on my couch. i am very much looking forward to reading through some blogs (this is getting to be a very time consuming habit) reading some garfield, reading some darwin awards, and drooling quietly into a glass of wine. ah bliss.

This Could Get Interesting

2006-02-16T09:12:00.000-08:00

Thirteen Things about ME

1. I really have no idea about code - or blogging at all for that matter
2. My favorite food is lasagna
3. I am a cat lover primarliy, but a dog lover too - you really don't have to be one or the other
4. I regret deeply not being able to pursue a further education - and while I realize I could probably take a course or two now, it wouldn't be the same as "then"
5. I have two tattoos
6. I have had multiple piercings that I have learned that I am regretably too old to look sexy with any more
7. For reasons that I may or may not get into at some point I have a huge flock of siblings - 5 sisters and 2 brothers - I only know 3 of them.
8. One of my sisters is also my third cousin (trust me - it's an interesting story)
9. I get bored very easily with important stuff....but can linger for hours over something stupid
10. I am trying to become a full on vegan - but find it's hard to live without cheese
11. I am a huge animal rights activist and am a member of almost any organization you can think of
12. I was a blonde when I was a kid - and even though my drivers license will still reflect this to be a fact, it's been dyed so many different colors for so long I'm not entirely sure about that any more
13. I am the most indecisive person you would ever meet
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. Inky

2. Mama B

3. Cat

4. Dariana

(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

I Have No Work To Do Today....Can You Tell?

2006-02-15T14:11:00.000-08:00

Is anything in this world guaranteed?
Yes, the only guarantee we have in this life is unconditional love from a cat.
- The Crazy Cat People

And More Thoughts. And More Thoughts. Rambling On.

2006-02-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

why all this death thought lately? it surrounds me somehow....when i wake up. in the shower. surfing the net. totally out of nowhere i get blindsided by the fact that somewhere deep - way deep - i actually did love her.
"no matter how you feel about your parents now, you will miss them when they are gone"
- source unknown
how fucked up is that? she messed up my life royally when she was around. (the very short span of my life when she was actually around) and now that she is gone (totally prematurely....hell when we cleaned out the apartment it looked like she was actually pulling it together) her memory torments me. i always thought that once she was gone i could finally say goodbye without guilt. that our turbulant relationship would finally rest. but no. and i've forgiven her. it's not that i'm still fuming over some of the things that she's done. maybe it's because i feel ripped off because i never had a mother. i never had someone that kissed my booboos better. or picked me up from school. or consoled a broken heart. or told me how to make cabbage rolls. she never loved me. or if she did she managed to forget about it in her constantly intoxicated state. and yet i mourn her more now than when she first died. why? why can't i just say goodbye and be done with it? or for that matter - when i think about some of the pain she's caused me - why aren't i out there dancing on her grave? why does she haunt me?

Thought of the Day

2006-02-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
- Maxine

Thought of the Day

2006-02-14T11:11:00.000-08:00

Don't you sometimes wish your heart was a heart of stone?
- as performed by Cher

Happy What Now?

2006-02-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

who decided that to be happy we must be "together"? i will have you know that i am perfectly happy being totally, completely, utterly, desperately, pathetically alone. well. most of the time. i'm tired of the first question from my colleagues on a friday being "what are you up to this weekend?" and the second question being "who are you doing that with?" the response is unvariably "no one" and the result is always someone pitying me. i despise that. alright, so taking myself out for birthday dinner was a little pathetic. but if i don't treat myself who will? okay so choosing tonight to do my grocery shopping because the store will be quiet might be a little lame. but i need groceries! tell ya what. if i could figure out how to meet people i would. it's not that i'm an extreme anti social or anything. usually. but where do you go? and not just to get a date...i mean to really meet people. make friends. enjoy someone elses company for a change. i'm single and in a strange town where i know no one. so.....what? i'm not about to just walk up to strangers and start a desperate super friendly conversation. i'm too old (and too broke) for the bar scene. i work 60+ hours a week - in an environment where everyone is either 10 years younger or 20 years older. i volunteer - but i'm usually there in the evenings and as such i am usually there alone. i've met some really nice people, sure. but how do you move from a friendly introduction and hand shake to a friendship? maybe i am a complete anti social if i don't understand this concept. when someone does finally ask if maybe i'd like to do something sometime i wonder what could possibly be wrong with them that they are talking to me. but i don't worry about that much - it doesn't happen often. it's not that i'm a complete dog either. i'm no beauty queen, but i'm fit. i'm blonde. i'm busty. i'm independant. i'm intellegent. wait. that could be my problem, no? people see me and expect one thing but i guess i'm a bit of a false advertiser. i'm afraid i'm not the ditzy easy sleazy blonde. i have thoughts in my head (once and a while) and choose to express them (more often than perhaps i should) so what's a girl to do? i'll be picking up a bottle of wine (or two) to have with my mac and cheese at home with my cats tonight. happy love smoochie puke day everyone.

Rants of a Bawling Lunatic

2006-02-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

I found the most wonderful group of caring people here tonight. I lost my baby girl in October of last year. She had cancer. I think. It's all so confused in my mind. I got home from my grandfathers funeral and noticed that she was sick. After some time (lost in my own self pity probably way too much time) I took her to the vet. They told me a bunch of bullshit. Said that I should try to force pills down her throat and see how it went. I'm stupid. I did it. They ran tests. They wouldn't give me the results. I took her to another vet. They ran tests. Told me to take her home. I called back the minute I walked through the door. She wasn't drinking. She was sick. She was crying. I took her back. We sat in an examination room. She was so quiet. The door was open. She was trying to rest but the fucking door was open. I wanted to close it but thought for some reason that they would forget we were waiting if I did. And so my last sight of her was watching her desperately trying to get some rest in her tiny little carrier with her tail wrapped around her grey velvet nose after a night spent trying to force just a tiny bit of liquid down her throat because just a tiny bit would help her if she would only drink just a tiny bit it would be better.......the vet came and told me that they would admit her. please go and pay. i thought i should turn around and say goodbye. but that would be silly, right? i would be back tomorrow to pick her up, right? but tomorrow brought news that wasn't good. they told me that i could bring her home eventually - maybe - with a feeding tube. they told me that there was still hope. they made my heart break into a million razor sharp pieces when they told me that it was most likely cancer...but it was too early to say. they wanted me to torture her. more tests. more tubes. i said no. they said yes. i shed a million tears a million times over and insisted no. they asked if i wanted to see her one more time. i said no. how could i. what would i say to her. to my beautiful baby girl who depended on me. me. who probably just made the worst possible decision. the decision to let her go instead of hanging in there. she could still be here. oh my god i wish i didn't kill my cat. they told me about feeding tubes and catheters and blood tests and i got scared. i knew she was in pain. but she could have made it. she loved me. and i let her down. let her down...ha. i fucking let her go. just like that. and it doesn't get easier. it gets harder. every day is harder than the last. it's all so selfish. it was selfish of me to bring her home in the first place. the tiny sweetheart of a kitten. it was selfish of me to let her go. and it is selfish of me to want her back. but i do. i want her back. she was scared of my kisses. i don't blame her one bit.

Thought of the Day

2006-02-13T11:37:00.000-08:00

The wisdom of others remains dull till it is writ over with our own blood. We are essentially apart from the world; it bursts into our consciousness only when it sinks its teeth and nails into us.
- Eric Hoffer

Two Thoughts In One Day....Can You Handle It?

2006-02-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

Modern man likes to pretend that his thinking is wide-awake. But this wide-awake thinking has led us into the mazes of a nightmare in which the torture chambers are endlessly repeated in the mirrors of reason.
- Octavio Paz

Thought of the Day

2006-02-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Thought of the Day

2006-02-03T10:24:00.000-08:00

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.
-

@#$%$%%

2006-02-02T19:32:00.000-08:00

so i had two of my three remaining wisdom teeth dug out of my skull today. holy shit. not cool. first off - i was scheduled to have all three removed. when i got there the dentist asked me somewhat hesitantly if i still wanted to go ahead with that plan. i basically said that there was no way i would come back and go through this shit again, so yes, please proceed with all three. he says that we'll do two and see how i feel. i say fine. he puts on his gloves and goes for the big ol needle. now, for some reason i could actaully hear the needle going in - sort of like the sound your fork might make if you listened really carefully while you were tenderizing your steak. and he put in tons of the crap. usually i go for the absolute bear minimum of freezing - i despise that feeling when my tongue and lips are frozen - but this time i relented. figured better safe than sorry. so he pulls out his first tool that looks something like a little spatula. he tells me that he is going to do some gum removal. oh good. he is using so much pressure that my head is nodding and turning completely against my will. then he pulls out the tools that mean business. i won't go into incredible detail here because i fear i may get sick to my stomach if i have total recal on all of the details. needless to say i was rather happily ignorant on tooth extraction prior to going into that office. i had the idea that the tooth wasn't really attached by more than a nerve or two and therefore would only have to slice, remove, and stitch. um. not quite. for those who wish to remain blissfully ignorant - or for anyone that has this procedure in your future - you may wish to skip this part. the tooth is actually still a part of your skull. yep. still embedded in the bone. and so there was drilling. and twisting. and bleeding. he was using so much pressure that if he would have slipped a fraction of an inch his little nasty tool would have gone directly into my brain. at this point his lovely assistant is bracing my head so that it can't move. and then he says that i may hear a slight cracking noise. well holy mother of pearl. slight cracking. ha! thought it was my jaw at first. it sounded and felt like my mouth was on the other side of the room. *shudder* when he has number two out he tells me that he really doesn't care if i want the third out today - the first two were so difficult that even if i begged him he wouldn't do it. can't say i wasn't a tad relieved. don't get me wrong - i absolutely dread the idea of going back for more - but i was almost passing out from the pain - and believe it or not, i am no pansy. it is now about five hours later. the eight litres of freezing he put in my head are still running through my system - i am desperately hoping they are on their final lap soon. it's not only the site that hurts. it's everything. but somehow the freezing coming out is making it worse. all of my other teeth hurt now as they now have a little more room to dance. every place he stuck that damned needle in is aching. and my cheek! oh my gods my cheek! i look like i have been smashed across the face with a 2x4. i feel like i've been smashed across the face with a 2x4. not sure if that's just part of the parcel - or if my poor cheek was an innocent bystander in the whole situation being so pulled out of porportion that there was just no hope for the poor once rosy piece of human flesh. they gave me drugs. ibuprofen 600s. i don't know if that is supposed to be the good stuff or not - but it sure ain't helping. i can't eat. i can't swallow. i can't talk. i can just sort of drool and bleed and weep. if you have to have this done...for the love of every god and goddess there ever was or ever will be - have them knock you out. just shut up and pay the man the good money and let them knock you out. i'm going to go sob and bleed for awhile now. the dentist told me i have oozing to look forward to.....can't hardly wait....

Thought of the Day

2006-02-02T11:14:00.000-08:00

"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."-Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes)

Any Guesses?

2006-01-31T15:27:00.000-08:00

Does anyone randomly browsing through these blogs have any info for me on what Medicine Hat (Alberta, Canada, North America, Planet Earth) might be like? To live, I mean? Any advice?

Thought of the Day

2006-01-31T10:32:00.000-08:00

"I think it's great that people have soap," Pepper said in a telephone interview this week. "I'm a big supporter of soap."

Thought of the Day

2006-01-30T09:06:00.000-08:00

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. - W._C._Fields

Thought of the Day

2006-01-28T17:12:00.000-08:00

We don't inherit the world from our parents,
We borrow it from our children...

In The Spirit of the Chinese New Year

2006-01-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

Quite Pathetic Actually....

2006-01-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.6
Mind:	4.8
Body:	6.6
Spirit:	6.3
Friends/Family:	3.5
Love:	0
Finance:	5.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Quote of the Day

2006-01-27T08:21:00.000-08:00

"Some Dance to Remember
Some Dance to Forget"
- Eagles

Didn't You Know Your Life Sucks? Here, Let Me Show You...

2006-01-25T08:28:00.000-08:00

I was watching the ol tube last night and one of those "feed the starving people" commercials came on and it got me to thinking. These people were living their lives as they know life to be. Doing what they know had to be done. Feeding their families. Playing with their children. And, most likely, enjoying themselves. This is their life. This is all that they know. Without going into a whole other issue there's a big part of me that believes they are living a better life. And then enter stage right mr. khaki pants with is tv crew and his bottled water telling them that "their life is horrible!" "who could live in these conditions!" "you have no idea what you're missing out on!" "here, let me show you through this majic picture box just how you could be living." "the whole world feels sorry for you - don't you realize how bad off you are?" now, who knows what is going through these peoples heads once mr. khaki leaves their once peaceful town. with knowledge of the world beyond their imaginations are they feeling sorry for themselves? are they wishing that they had satellite television and ipods and freeway traffic? i would hope that they pity mr. khaki, living in his cement "paradise". maybe they are a little angry that mr. khaki is apparently destroying their world high rise by high rise. these people have it right. they are the people who will know how to sustain life once the rest of us demolish this planet. would i give up all of my modern conveniences to go and live as they do? no - because this life is all that i know, and i wouldn't have the faintest clue how to live without. should we feel sorry for those people who don't live like we do? absolutely not.

Something to Think About on Monday Mornings

2006-01-23T09:53:00.000-08:00

I got this email....I don't usually pass things on, but this had a few really good points:

Life's Little Instruction Book
Have a firm handshake.
Look people in the eye.
Sing in the shower.
Own a great stereo system.
Keep secrets.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell thedifference.
Whistle.
Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90per cent of all your happiness or misery.
Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
Lend only those books you never care to see again.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
When playing games with ! children, let them win.
Give people a second chance, but not a third.
Be romantic.
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have tocross the same river.
Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret thethings you didn't do more than the one's you did.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick toacknowledge those who helped you.
Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need onlystay a few minutes.
Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
Once in a while, take the scenic route.
Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollarideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of howtrivial their job.
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behindyou.
Become someone's hero.
Marry only for love.
Count your blessings.
Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
Wave at the children on a school bus.

I like that last one....so simple....i'm 28 and i still wave at the ground crew when i'm on a plane. nothing makes me happier than when they wave back!

I Like the Idea of a Hot Air Balloon

2006-01-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

Pattie is an inspiration. i have started working on my list. i would recommend that you start working on yours.....

Naughty Girls Need Love Too

2006-01-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

have you ever had a love so great that every once and a while out of the blue you wake up thinking of him? mine is joey gelly. joe if you're out there come find me. now, when i say love so great i mean in a 12 year old capacity. teenage girl love is more intense than any other emotion i have ever experienced. i was absolutely infatuated with him. there wasn't a moment in my self absorbed pre teen existance that didn't involve a thought of him. i used to sit and stare at him across the classroom. he was the bad boy. always in trouble. tight jeans. bandana on his head. we once kissed through three whole samantha fox songs in a friends basement. did he love me you ask? why i doubt that very much. or if he did, he also loved most of my friends. i certainly can't say that he treated me very well....but then when you're 12 you don't really care. you're just happy that someone's kissing you. and i miss him. the last story i heard had him living somewhere in british columbia. he still wasn't particularly well behaved. and so i wonder about him.....where did he end up? the majority of my friends and the crowd i used to hang out with aren't living such glamorous lives. most of them have had drug addictions. many have illegitimate children. i don't think any of them are married. i don't know how i escaped that life, but am thankful every day that i pulled myself out of that particular downward spiral. so is that the kind of life that he is living now? daddy to a couple of kids here and there? maybe even in jail? hmm. or. is he bigger, stronger, and badder as my fantasy life likes to believe...oh yeah. little joey all grown up...i wouldn't mind if he still chose to wear those tight jeans though. some things just don't need to change! joey. darling. if you're listening.....will you marry me?

little help?

2006-01-10T14:40:00.000-08:00

alright, so no one has been reading this....which is just fine with me...but i'm hoping that someone might stop in to offer a tidbit of advice. i need to move. getting the one year itch and so it's time to mosey along. (have you ever seen the littlest hobo? i just keep movin on...) i need to find somewhere in british columbia, alberta, or perhaps even north - yukon or the territories. any suggestions? anyone love their town so much they can't stand it? not too big, not too small. big money, cheap rent (hey a girl can dream) everyone seems to have an opinion around me these days....this is one i'm actually asking for...

Happy? Birthday!

2006-01-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

well, today is my birthday. and i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel about that. first a little background - i was born january 6, 1978. an unimportant day to many. it is the precursor of my bad luck however because this is the day that my family mourns the death of my uncle who passed away january 6, 1974. without shoving a bunch of crap that you don't believe in down your throat, i firmly believe that i am a reincarnation of my uncle. i have thoughts that don't make sense to me. memories that aren't mine. i can tell you all about the farm that used to exist across the road from the house i grew up in - only it was wasn't a farm any longer by the time i entered the world. and you know it's the strangest feeling in the world - but i miss him. i never got to meet the guy. but yet i miss him. like i've known him all my life and just lost him yesterday. ah but perhaps it's all in my messed up mind....
so last night my sister asked me where i was going to move next. i think i surprised her when on my list of "must haves" in a town i included a river. i grew up next to a river. it comforts me. i used to go down to the water when i was in a particularly bad funk and just watch it rush past me. i would think to myself that the water rushing by me is the past - and the water rushing towards me is the future. i've cast a lot of bad feelings out upon that water to be swept far away in the rivers strong embrace. i think that's part of my problem here - on the ocean. no river. you can throw your troubles out there, but they just keep coming back. they have no where to go.
so where to next? i've done the rockies. i've done the okanagan...sort of. now i've done the ocean. for reasons that i can't quite sort out in my head i have a desire to be closer to my older sister. we are 8 years apart, and have never seen eye to eye. we don't have much in common. i can't stand her husband. and yet i think about heading in her direction. something happened between us when everyone started dying last year. and it wasn't a big sobbing sloppy hug or any other type of sappy emotional bonding. some sort of telecommunication occured that made it okay to talk to each other. i talked to her on the phone for two and a half hours last night. we never talk that long. and about nothing really. i was going to remind her that it was my birthday tomorrow....but i guess it's really not important. after all....it's not my birthday.....it's my uncles death day. *sigh*
so i'm taking myself out on the town tonight. drinks here at work to start, dinner, and a hockey game. should be fun. i was thinking of taking myself out to a pub after the game so that i could sit and properly wallow in my misery, but perhaps i will leave that for another day. it's funny - when i'm alone i don't feel alone. it's when i'm around other people that that fact hits home. i am never more lonely than when i am surrounded by smiling, happy, healthy people.
well....i want to keep going because anything is better than sitting here staring at my computer sreen hoping that either someone will give me some work to do or send me an email to read......
but i suppose i don't need to subject cyperspace to my irrational ramblings any longer. i will go for now....consider that a warning that i will be back. my cousin once told me that i'm selfish. and i suppose that's true. because i really don't care that i'm most likely boring the cyber world to tears. after all, it's all about me...

Way Too Deep First Thing in the Morning...

2006-01-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

so i saw a post on another blog that looked like an interesting delve into the introspective depths. i'm not entirely sure i can do this honestly, but let's give it a try. i still keep thinking that someone out there is going to read this drivel and know that it's me.....but then....this is all so much unlike me that i would imagine it wouldn't be possible. alright. here goes.

7 things i can't live without:

1.my fur babies (2 kitties tobi and lily)
2.music. whether it's in my ears, my head, or my heart, life requires a soundtrack
3. see? i'm already stuck. um.......
3. love. though i am a complete stranger to the emotion myself, everyone tells me that you just shouldn't live without it. i'll bite. sounds good.
4. coffee. yes, it was a resolution to cut back on the sweet sweet juice of life, but i will not ever say goodbye to it entirely.
5. see - i would say my friends, but since i'm new to this town and have been on the move for so long i don't really have many friends. those that i have i keep a precarious relationship from a distance that dwindles more every day. i would say family, but i've never been particularly close to them. well....no....i guess....
5. family. they are psychotic. for sure. but in the last year (which i will chose to remember only in a fragmented drunken state) i have learned amazing things about those people in my life whom i refer to as family. and it really is true when "they" say "it doesn't matter how you feel about your parents....you will miss them when they are gone." could i live without them? undoubtedly. but who would i gossip about if they weren't around?
6. just a few days ago i would say food....of course you need food to live....but you know what i mean. a really good meal that you savour every bite of. in my mind this usually conjurs images of shrimp and lobster and warm sourdough bread. i have since done quite a significant amount of research on just how these items get from point a to point b - and without going into gory descriptions, i am now a vegitarian, trying to make the change to complete vegan. there must be a recipe out there for veggies that will inspire the same sort of warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy. as much as my stomach turns when i think of a slab of grisly steak, i really do miss it so.
7. can i say my cats again? seriously.....that tobi of mine has seen me through some incredibly hard times. he has honestly saved my life on so many occassions. he is a little slower now that he's helped me through so much - a few years have passed since he first snuggled into the crook of my neck for a long winter's nap. i will go absolutely, positively balistic when he is gone. my schnoogy woogums. my toaster strudel. my baberonly. yes, i realize just how pathetic this sounds. shhhh....don't tell anyone, okay?

What the Eff?

2006-01-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

so last night i had the strangest dream. i was walking along the side of the highway (after landing my helijet that i somehow knew how to fly in the river by the mall that reoccurs in my dreams off and on) and was passing by the hot springs. i was going to just walk on by because it was so crowded, but decided to go anyways. it was a rather steep embankment i had to climb to get up to where the big tub was and i was tripping over people with every step. when i got to the top, however, there were a bunch of people in yellow full body suits that were bringing apparently dead people up from the depths. no one in the tub seemed particularly concerned, and once the "bodies" were out of the tub they were amazingly miraculously alive. skinny and gasping for air, but alive. they were slimy, as if they had been actually starting to decompose. i saw a bunch of these "bodies" in the pool and a big black mass in the deep end. i decided that this black stuff must be an actual dead person, and thought i should leave before i had the misfortune of witnessing them bringing that body up. (not that anyone else seemed to care) so i'm trying to get back down this steep hill, but i'm stepping on the gooey slippery decomposing flesh that is falling off of the "bodies" that have been helped down the hill before me. so? what the fuck? just plain weird. apparently it disturbed me quite a bit because i very rarely remember my dreams these days. any guesses on just what, exactly, that little bit of insanity might mean?

What's Going On?

2006-01-03T09:33:00.000-08:00

Coming up with a user name is always a small piece of hell, isn't it? I mean, you want to be funny, smart, witty. You want people to look at your little creation and think "hmm this one looks interesting". I thought of many user names. I thought about my cats names. I thought about names that I have used before. I did not want to use "acorn" because it seems a little lame, no? But it's the one that ultimately fit. I chose the name acorn for myself years ago when I was interested in paganism. Not that I am no longer interested - I just don't have the time to do any more research right now. I chose it because I was just beginning, and felt that I was on the cusp of really learning who I was. That was probably eight years ago. Now, with my 28th birthday fast approaching, I wonder if I'm any closer now than I was back then. I've lived a lot, and learned a lot, but I'm still finding things out about myself on a pretty constant basis. But then I suppose I am not alone in that. With the new year ahead (and good riddance to 05) I can't help but feel that things will be better this year. But then that's what I think every year, and still I am an acorn. Hmm. Where did I go wrong? Is anyone out there listening? If a girl pours her heart out on the internet, does anybody hear?

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&$@$&%& Part 2